Blah, blah, blah

 Just testing.

Good intentions

 Good intentions = baseless assumptions. This is almost always true. Even when the people who have them seem to think they are hallowed or sacred somehow. They are still assumptions, until they are checked out and researched.

Am I human? Do people with Autism count as human beings?

 Often, when I actually succeed in pointing out a wrong done to me by some one I know, the answer is something along the lines of: "I'm only human." I have had this said to me by my siblings, my mother, the same roommate that told me that when it came to doing the dishes, there had to be a different set of rules for me than for her and my sister. In case you're too lazy to scroll down to find that post, the rule was (her rule, it was never mine) that I had to do the dishes RIGHT after I was done eating. I could not wait, I could not leave them in the sink. But she and my sister could, because they weren't "special needs". Due to my diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome, she thought that the label of special needs applied to me.

She would also point out, when I had actually scored a point in an argument, that she was only human and made mistakes. As if she never got foaming at the mouth enraged whenever I made mistakes. And yes, she did. I also remember pointing out flaws in her arguments, or what I thought were flaws. That would get her going too.

I have wondered if I am allowed to claim status as human. I mean, I am human-shaped. I walk and speak, and am capable of making decisions for myself, when someone hasn't already made them for me. Do I really have the right to make mistakes, as a human being? Do I have the right to learn from them the way so many others do? If the answer is yes, than why do those who used hover over me, 

I think that similar questions get asked by members of other communities that fall under the neurodivergent/disability umbrella. Do they get to claim human status too? If they do, why is ableism so excusable? Or even defended? Ableism is often defended as good intentions.

One last thing. That roommate who insisted I live under a different set of rules because I was special needs, also qualified as special needs. The year we were roommates was also the year she turned thirty. She was hearing impaired then. Yet she thought she could get by with one hearing aid, in the ear that had the weakest hearing. Imagine being told that you have to abide by a different set of rules than the other two people that live with you, because you were diagnosed with Asperger's the year before. By a woman who has hearing that is so bad that questions and statements have to be repeated more than once, or even twice, when her hearing aid was in her ear and turned on. The reason she gave for not wearing one in each ear was that it felt like living in a microphone. She felt she was capable of making her own decisions about hearing aids and how many she wore. But I couldn't about when I did the dishes I used.

Is it human of me to be angry about this?

Same old, same old.

I  still cannot forgive the family members that tried to get me to fill out that useless form. I could literally still write the same post today that I wrote in October. I think I know why that forgiveness for this does not come easily; it's because that if what I went through cannot be classified as trauma, then it comes pretty close. The Dictionary.com definition of trauma is "an experience that produces psychological injury or pain". The Student's Oxford that lives on my desk classifies it as: "emotional shock following a stressful event, sometimes leading to long-term neurosis" or "a distressing or emotionally disturbing experience". 

This, of course, comes after realizing that two of my sisters thought they were more than capable of making every single decision for me, except for the small, inconsequential ones, like how I like my coffee, or what to order at a fast food restaurant.

One example of a decision that was "made for me" was the endless push for me to move to Alberta, because people on disability in that province get more. The catch is, it has been harder to get on disability in Alberta for years. And it has recently gotten much harder. Of course, that means the time invested in applying is enormous. In the province I am in now, there were delays in applying for disability. A lot of it was due to ignorance. I did have to apply three times. In Alberta, I think the process is more convoluted than it is here. 

And of course, what makes me moving out to Alberta even better (to my "decision-makers") is that I am "allowed" to come back for visits.

None of this is supposed to have made me enraged or even angry. None of this was supposed to have traumatized me. Yet, it did regardless.

I cannot forget who else has also traumatized me, by doing essentially the same thing; my former roommate. When I lived in another bigger city than the one I am in now, I had a roommate who thought it was a good idea to also appoint herself as my "decision maker". She reminded me that I was "special needs" often. I think it may have been every day, for months at a time. As if I could forget that I am on the Spectrum. Living with her was basically a circus. I am not sure which one of us was the monkey. The odd thing was, she was, and still is, "special needs" herself. She had, and must still have a hearing impairment.

I wonder, if I had never lived with that woman, would what my mother and sisters have done to me have cut me as deeply as it did? Why do I allow others to abuse me?

Nothing makes me angrier than the phrase "Good intentions". Since it is almost always stupid people that have them, and base everything on them.

I still can't find forgiveness.

 I must be immature or something. I still can't forgive my family that tried to make decisions for me, no matter how sincere their "good intentions" were. Not only do I have people in my family that are unbelievably superficial, ignorant and reckless, they explain it all away as "good intentions" and "wanting the best for me".

There's my mother, the MLM dupe who is convinced that the only reason they never work is because she doesn't have the "right personality".

One of my sisters of which I speak, who hits the blunt regularly, and thinks she is wise.

The other of the two sisters, who is reactive, sometimes ridiculously so, and thinks that is the right way to be, because she still thinks I don't have the right to stand up for myself. 

No apologies, no reasons why I keep getting served subpar bullshit on a silver platter by people who say they love me....or I was, and am just expected to deal with it. I do not feel loved. I did not feel loved when my family was trying to make me fill out that ridiculous form that would only have ever gotten me a stern lecture from some homeless outreach worker. I felt controlled. I am still dealing with the emotional fallout from this. I think I always will be.

I can barely tolerate these people now. They drove me to be as angry as I am now. They are not willing to deal with the consequences, other than saying one of the two empty platitudes listed above, and here: "Good intentions", "We just want the best for you".

All three of these people seem to be under the silly notion that I can have a life without any problems. I swear they think that just because it sounds pretty to them. They tell themselves this, or they used to, to help themselves sleep at night. Never mind that I knew it wasn't true, and I found it demeaning. Yet. They. Kept. Pushing. It.

This is about more than just the silly form that wouldn't have gotten me anything. It's about others thinking they have the right to make decisions for me. Others thinking they get to bully me. Others being offended that I stand up for myself occasionally. Such bullshit.

Another decision that they keep trying to make: move me to a different province, because the disability stipend is higher there. It's actually the highest in the country. They take it for granted that I would be able to get on it, never mind that I keep hearing, and hearing, and hearing stories about people who have tried to get on it and can't. People who have made huge time investments in this and didn't get it. Plus, this stipend used to be indexed to the cost of living, which is why it is the highest in the country. The current premier of this province went and changed it. It is no longer indexed to the cost of living. However, this is another story that my mother and two out of six of my sisters tell themselves to feel good. They won't be stopping anytime soon.

Being babied as an adult sucks,

 but actually hearing a relative reason it away by saying babying me is necessary because good intentions, good intentions, good intentions. There is little intelligence in these good intentions that come from these people, and even less critical thinking. I am starting to think that when these relatives do sh*t like this, it is not good intentions anymore; it is more of an aggressive neglect.

There is an upcoming wedding in my family. I have been uninvited to this event, because I have begun to insist on not being babied anymore. The bride was one of those who babied me. In fact, it is as if she is defending the right to baby me, to talk down to me, to belittle me. She will not be able to emotionally blackmail me with an invitation to her wedding.

When someone, the bride of the wedding I am no longer invited to, who used to be closer to me, tells me that my life is easy, when it actually isn't, what does that mean? I find it to be hurtful, ignorant and wrong to have someone else dictate to me what my life is like. As if they think they know what it would be like to be to live my life for me, and would be able to do it better than me. What they do not understand is that there are rules to being on Persons With Disability and Canada Pension Plan Disability:

1. I have to fill out a stub every month, to make sure I get the money for next month. When I first got on PWD, I did not have to do this. For the first six or seven months, I did not have to do this. Now, it's different. It has to be done by a certain date, usually around the ninth of the month. I usually fill it out and submit it online, instead of going into the provincial office to stick it in their box, because it is convenient to be able to get it done in the evening, or when it's rainy, or when I'm in my pyjamas. What is inconvenient about it is that I can't do it right away, on the same day when I get my PWD for the month. I actually have to wait for my CPP-D to come in, so I can say, on my stub, how much my CPP-D was for that month. And both payouts happen on different days. This is also known as "claiming funds", which I have to do, or I will be causing myself some problems. Lucky me.

2. Due to me being on two different types of funding, I have two different earning exemptions. If recipients of PWD having to fill out stubs so they can STAY on PWD isn't common knowledge, the $1000 earning exemption is. The CPP-D earning exemption is $483, and yes, I Googled it.

3. For as long as I am on disability benefits, I will be at the mercy of politicians and their agendas to get and stay in power. Whatever law or regulation they decide to put forward, pass and enforce, I will have to submit to it. Drug tests for everyone on Income Assistance and Persons With Disability? I would have to do it. Cut my pension in half, or take it away entirely, thus forcing me to get a job that I hate, so I can feed myself? I would have to do this. I can follow all the rules to stay on it, but if some twit politician, who has never experienced first world poverty, decides that anyone with a diagnosis that puts them anywhere on the high functioning end of the Autism Spectrum does not deserve to receive PWD, then that would force me into taking the first job I can get, no matter what it is, or whether I hate it or how much.

A rare comment

Edit: I noticed that it's difficult to tell my arguments from those of the commenter. So I decided to make mine a different colour.

Someone actually left a comment on one of my posts back in May. I was just going to leave it, but it kept bugging me. And the commenter didn't leave a name, so I can't respond to them privately. So here goes:

AnonymousMay 4, 2020 at 11:32 AM

I notice in your previous blogs, you really come down on your mother for helping you get on disability. The fact that you are now on disability, do you feel like you’re a little hard on your mother? 

She did help me get it, but she wasn't the only one. We actually needed to beg and plead for help from a social worker who went by the name Lee. He was incredibly in demand, and I was lucky to get his help. He knew a lot about Autism, and the things that come with it. Lee has written papers on Autism, and I believe they were published. 

I don't think I do come down hard on my mother for helping me get on disability. I come down hard on her for thinking it will be ridiculously easy. She is, if nothing else, a blind optimist most of the time; she is constantly wearing rose tinted glasses, and they tend to blur her perception of reality.

Do you just have a hard time being told no? 

I don't, actually. My mother does, though, when she's convinced she needs to mount some kind of "let's screw the government, they'll never know" type of mission. They know, they always do.

Would it have been better on yours and your mothers relationship if she just applied for the disability with out you knowing ? To avoid your backlash? I mean since you’re getting it now monthly, and no longer blog about that. Pardon my comparison with the “don’t bite the hand that feeds you” quote.

I'm not sure if that's possible; part of the process of applying is signing forms and other things.

Name change, and why do "good intentions" matter so much?

I think I have realized something in the past couple of months; when Support Worker sister offered to "help" me by telling me of the form that I did not need to fill out, and then writing on it that I needed maids/housekeepers/people telling me to do chores/to-do list-makers to come (something that I have learned does not actually exist, but plenty of people think that something like this should) she was high. High as in had smoked marijuana high. Who knows how much; she wasn't giggling, or eating, but rationality and intelligence was probably too much to ask for. She had made up a household chore, after all. So now, at least on this blog, her name is changed from Support Worker to Pot Princess.

I wonder if anyone knows that the part on that form they thought applied to me only did if I had already been in public housing already, and it was for some reason, not working out; and I would have gone to significant lengths to make it work out. And if actually reading the form was too much, one of them could have called the phone number on the first page. 

Calling that number would have been better than my mother's dismissal when I told her that nothing on that form actually said it was FOR me; it would have been better than the tug of war we had for weeks over this; it would have been better than me hearing her say that it wouldn't do any harm to fill out this ridiculous form, when it actually did; it would have been better than having Defender come out of nowhere, and "defend" Pot Princess as much as she did. As if I should accept the shoddy "good intentions" simply because they were offered to me.

Which brings me to my next topic: it seems like these same family members of mine think I should take it for granted that they always have "good intentions"; everything they do is or was based on "good intentions", no matter how ignorant, ridiculous or silly. It's as if they believe the "good intentions" they have for me are printed on their foreheads whenever they have one. Do I have to say that they aren't? That these silly and naive "good intentions" are childish and tacky? That their quality matches that of spray painted macaroni jewelry that were crafted at a camp somewhere?

My family will look different in 2025; it will not be because of newly arrived babies.

If my family gets to lead me down ridiculously long garden paths because of "good intentions", I get to say BS like the following:

In an earlier post, I predicted that one of my sisters, who works as a support worker, will have divorced by New Year's Day 2025, if not before that. I believe it will happen because my brother-in-law must have his expensive gadgets; no one can say no to him. He simply has to have them. It's the same thing with expensive groceries, alcohol and giving in to what their two children ask for; no is not a word that is said often in that household. She doesn't go without either; I'm pretty sure that she has regular nail and hair appointments. And she buys expensive clothes. Still, she isn't the spender that her husband is. And I think she is the one who can be persuaded to cut back on her expenses before the debt is too high; he won't until they have collectors calling. To add to that, I don't think they earn that much money, even though they both work. Part of my prediction is that they'll divorce over money and the spending of it.

The reason I think that they will separate and divorce, is that they have sold the house they were living in and are planning on, or they already have, moved into his parents' house. That means no more mortgage. If they have any fixed expenses at all, it will be utility bills and whatever they spend on renovations and yard maintenance. If they don't need to come up with a monthly mortgage payment, what will stop him from spending themselves into another hole? Which support worker sister will see that they're in before he does. Of course she will; she is slightly less oblivious than he is. Basically, what I'm saying is that they will, or he will, rack up the debt again; there's always more gadgets and tech to buy,  and most of it is expensive, especially if it's bought right when it comes out. They will divorce once it becomes clear that they're in a significant amount of debt again, and he turns to his family for a handout to pay the debt off with and doesn't get it. Or maybe it will be the fighting that couples who have high debts often do that does their marriage in...who knows.
And of course, if none of this happens, I will simply wave my hand and give good intentions as a reason I have predicted all this. The good intention being that we should all prepare ourselves for the upcoming divorce; assuming that brother-in-law's parents are both still alive when and if this happens, he will be fine, the two children will be fine. It's my sister who will be asked to leave.

Good intentions are not love

I am slowly coming to the realization that forgiveness for the pointless "good intentions" my sister and mother had for me, will not come. At least not while I am living with my parents; which puts me in a catch-22, because the rents in my city are high.
On a sort of related note, here is a spoken word poem I did for a class I'm just finishing up: https://viuvideos.viu.ca/media/Kaltura+Capture+recording+-+March+20th+2020%2C+1A57A20+pm/0_88ij8y1e
Don't watch it if you are proud of being an armchair expert, and would rather keep the illusion that good intentions are always needed and wanted.

There is no magic form. Persons With Disabilities is designed to keep those on it in poverty. There is no workaround.

On Wednesday night, I was part of a Q&A panel of writers who had their pieces published in the anthology Disabled Voices. I was asked to read, and later, to be part of the panel, because I have a poem published in this work. Someone asked if there are things that we wish other people did not do to us. My answer was that every once in a while, on social media and in real life, I run across some idiot who firmly believes that I, as someone on the Autistic Spectrum, will always need someone who is not on the Spectrum, to run my decisions by. I posted before, years ago, about a roommate I once had, that actually believed this. I have run into others, mostly on social media, who also believe this. Of course, every one of them was either trolling, or were, and perhaps still are, notorious for being arm chair experts; meaning, they might know about a lot of things that they have had no real experience with. They also tend not to have any formal education in their favourite subject area, yet they don't see any reason for that to stop them from "helping people". Support worker sister is an arm chair expert. My former roommate was definitely an arm chair expert. Facebook and Twitter are full of arm chair experts.
Keep in mind, I did not rant about everything I have written here. We were tight for time, and we had issues with the microphone. Plus, I was not the only one who had given a reading; two other writers who had been published in the anthology had also read their pieces, and were part of the panel as well. I had to share the microphone, and the time allotted, with them. It did go well. I brought up support worker sister and my mom trying to make me fill out the form that would have led to nothing, in the past year, as the last part of an answer to a question. More specifically, the question I wrote about above. The editor, who had emceed earlier, and was guiding the dialogue we were having, added that there is no magic form; Persons With Disabilities is designed to keep those on it in poverty; and there is no workaround.
I wish that people knew this. I wish that people would remember this.
There is no magic form.
Persons With Disabilities is designed to keep those on it in poverty.
There is no workaround.
Only arm chair experts think that they can work the work the process somehow, and shake more money out of the tree.

False promises

I hate them. I loathe them, in fact. I realized how much when I went with my mother on Saturday to visit a great-aunt of mine. On the way back, we stopped somewhere for supper. She then proceeds to tell me that she thinks she and my dad will have their debts paid down, have some money saved up, and be able to put a downpayment on a one bedroom condo somewhere.
I have a problem processing this, mostly because this promise has been made before. The only difference was the building the condo was in hadn't even been built(it's still not done), and buying it was going to be a joint effort between a sister and my parents. It was also going to be a "micro-suite" that I would have been renting. That fell through, mainly because my parents didn't realize how broke they were. I am not angry that the condo wasn't bought. I am angry that the promise of a condo for me to live in and rent was made in the first place.

Still drowning, still angry, still tolerating

I still can't get past how unhappy I am, living with my parents. I need and want to move out, yet the rents in my city are ridiculous. My mother literally feels entitled to interrupt me whenever she feels like it. I withdrew from her because of the silly form that she wanted me to fill out, on the one worded "not a conversation" recommendation of my support worker sister, and my mother's half-assed reading, but not comprehending, it.
I will be forty at the end of April. Things have been by some family members that they want this birthday to be an "event". And yet, right now I can't process the idea or the image of celebrating my birthday, a day that's SUPPOSED to be for me, with people that I can only tolerate right now. There are four members of my family, three of my sisters, who I can't do more than tolerate right now:

• There is the Promise Maker sister. I call her that because she and her husband love making promises, and have overpromised themselves before. It was her who said she would buy a new build condo and rent it to me for a price I could pay. So she promises and promises and promises, because she finds it fun or something, but keeping them is a different thing entirely. A part of adulting is learning how to keep promises, or don't make them if you're not sure you can keep them. My problem isn't with her not buying the condo, it is with her telling me that she would, with the help of my parents, then it didn't happen, because condos are expensive now. So they must have thought condos are the same price as nice posterboard from a craft store.
• The Defender sister. This is the one who came out of the woodwork, defending Support Worker sister and my mother, and their Good Intentions, as if they needed it. I ask for them to not push them on me again, and she literally said, "Okay, we won't help you anymore," as if good intentions that lead nowhere is actual help. This sister apparently has no idea what the road to hell is paved with.
• Of course, Support Worker sister. Who used to, at least until she told me that I ruined her floor by not wiping out the windowsills, would act like she knew everything that was disability benefit and income assistance related, because of a job she once had. Yet, all the jobs she has held since she quit her group tenancy, or whatever it was called, pay her much less. I doubt she's even making a third of what she used to make when she had this high paying job that led her to think she KNEW things. The reason she gave us for leaving that job was she that it was too hard on her mentally, or something along those lines. Now, she and her husband have so much debt they are being forced into selling their house and moving in with his parents. Seriously, if she had held such an important position, and she was able to gather all this knowledge, she could get herself a better paying job by using some of the valuable connections she must have made while working her group tenancy, right? Even if the funding for her position stopped, she may still have some leeway to get a better paying position. Unless she left under a cloud. Of course, I have no way of knowing, except for what she tells me. And I don't know how to find out.
• My mother, who thinks it's okay to endlessly interrupt me. She once disturbed me to tell me that she was switching laundry detergents, then when she saw me again, proceeds to tell me exactly the same thing. Another time, she basically barged into my room twice in the space of twenty minutes to remind me what I was giving up by not pursuing eligibility for a local agency. I stopped because she insisted on putting her fingerprints all over the entire process, and I couldn't take it anymore. But then, this is the same woman who, when she and my father were in the routine of going out to the movies on Tuesdays with my aunt and uncle when they were staying in town for a few months, couldn't be bothered to close a sliding glass door upon leaving to see her precious movie with her sister. She would slam the thing, it would bounce open just wide enough to let in cold air and whatever bugs that our winters hadn't killed yet, and I would get up to close it. I asked her once to make sure it was closed when they left. She responds with she was in a hurry, she has to go, blah, blah, blah. I also asked her to find a course she could take on autism and Asperger's syndrome. She decides to buy books and join a Facebook group instead. I don't know why she couldn't do what I asked her to. I do know I asked her to do it because I desperately want and need her to see how much she hurts me when she acts or speaks without thinking. All three of my sisters need to take a course too. I wish they could see just how pointless that silly little form was, and that good intentions, even if they are, in fact, golden ones, won't get me anywhere if there's no research or actual knowledge behind them.

So anyways, I probably could celebrate my birthday with all my sisters and my mother if they can get over me only being able to tolerate them. If none of them have some useless good intention that goes absolutely nowhere. If they don't produce forms out of the woodwork, saying that it will help me get a thing. Basically, I want them to behave themselves.

A few things

Still having emotions and stuff about formerly posted stuff. But I have realized some things. I need to move out of my parents' condo. I think the only reason I moved in was because my parents and another, different sister said they were going to buy a condo together and rent it to me. That didn't happen. By the time I was finally told about it not happening, it not happening had become an afterthought. As if they hadn't realized that I was counting on living somewhere that wasn't with them. I actually did enjoy living alone, for the months that I did. It was actually fun, most of the time. No constant interruptions when I'm trying to study. No one wanting to play music or listen to a story when I want it quiet. No sudden noises. I want to live alone, not with my parents. That will mean getting a part-time job somewhere. I can't afford the rents around here with just what I get on Disability. There is also the added bonus of having a job makes me look better on a rental application.
I have also read a study that most people on the Autistic Spectrum think they are bad; as in, genuinely bad, and that's why some people close to us, not on the Spectrum, are so angry with us. It's why they feel like they have to control us. It's why they feel like we are their "duty" or their chore, or their burden. I often feel as if I am not human when interacting with my family. I literally feel as if I am burdening them just by existing. When my sister told me that I damaged her floor by not wiping out the windowsills, I believed it for exactly three minutes. In those three minutes, I wanted to die. I cringed at my stupidity, at my carelessness, at my neglect. I thought I was a bad person for not doing a household chore that I hadn't even known that people did. Well before the time I got home that day, I realized that the damage to the floor was actually due to two different things that had happened while I was living there, the emotions started then; but I didn't feel as if I could purge them. My youngest sister was getting married that summer, and I didn't want anything to happen that would cause enough drama that she would "uninvite" me.

Having good intentions does not always mean love

Still angry about the ridiculous form that my mother and my sister tried to get me to fill out. Still angry about the floor that I apparently "destroyed". Now, my mother is trying to get me to forgive her and the sister. In other words, she's trying to bully me, or at least it feels like it. She bullies the way her father did. It's not just that my sister thought that I should fill out this form, told me that I damaged the floor in the basement suite, and made a funky cat smell. It's also that she said this:
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I tried to respond, she interrupted me:
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I tried again to respond, but couldn't, because she interrupts me again.
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I can't remember if I have told anyone that she said that, to me, while trying to fulfill the "good intention" she was having that day; maybe it's anywhere from difficult to impossible to understand just how horrible it was for me. In that moment, I really did think that she thought I was one of the people she looked after at her work; mostly people with Down's Syndrome or low functioning Autism, not Asperger's, or high functioning Autism. She was saying that I was someone that I wasn't, based on something she thought I had done; but I hadn't done it. The damage was due to two different things: the water main breaking, and the washing machine leaking. Both things that her husband had a lot to do with. He was the one out in the bobcat, levelling the yard for some reason; he had started a load of laundry in a machine that he didn't realize was broken, and leaked everywhere. A good ten to fifteen minutes of actual thinking would have caused her to doubt her theory, maybe enough to not even mention it. Instead, she goes on about what an expert she is, and how much she knows about what I can get. Which of course, shows just the opposite; so many people who are experts on anything need to be prodded into talking about the subject they're experts on, and will usually only say a few words on it; but people who are only "experts" will talk at length at the barest hint of it.
When my mother brought the form home, she didn't just tell me to fill it out, again and again. And try to convince me that it might get me into a housing development that only takes homeless people. Or another development that's only for indigenous families. She also didn't believe me when I told her that filling out this form would basically lead to nothing, after I had read it for myself. I also went to the trouble to email a local housing society, asking them if I should fill it out. The response I got back was a bit snappish and snarky, but also clear. It plainly said that I should not fill it out, and that nothing would make me get into housing faster. Not even a sister and a mother willing to bully me into filling out useless forms, and gaslight and bully me into doing so. They can't bully the process either, no matter how hard they try.
Anyways, good intentions doesn't always mean love. Sometimes it just means control or meddling.

A "summing up" post

Just in case no one wants to read the post I wrote before this one, I decided to sum things up. My mom and one of my sisters, who works as a support worker at various places, tried to get me to fill out a form that does not apply to me in anyway whatsoever, just because the sister, who does not have a degree, or a certificate or any kind of formal post-secondary education, and can't be bothered to get one, because going to school is hard for her; she also works exclusively at jobs that don't pay her enough, probably because she doesn't have any formal post-secondary education. Yet, most of my family seems to buy into the theories she puts forward as gospel truth.
As poorly researched as this was, it will always be defended by most of the members of my immediate family as a "good intention". Bringing home a nine page form (I was wrong about the length of the thing, but still, my mom and sister should have bothered to read it past the heading), badgering me to fill the silly thing out, and arguing with me when I pointed out to them that the language on the thing didn't even SUGGEST that it was something a woman pushing forty and with a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome should be filling out. But they had a "good intention", and no one should derail these two from performing them. Not even reality.
Here is a link to the form that they wanted me to fill out. Remember, it's nine pages long, so read it before you tell me that I should fill it out. Or that filling it out "won't/can't do me any harm, dear." Having it pushed on me in the first place by people who couldn't be bothered to even read it thoroughly, has done me plenty. Not to mention that support worker sister actually thought she could be my "third party verifier" that this form requires, yet with her being a support care worker, AKA a shelter or outreach worker, of a sort, she could only have been my third party verifier if I were homeless, going by what the form states.

"Good intentions" are not researched at all, and are often half-assed, half thought out projects...

or at least they are in my family. I'm still angry about the form that my mother and support worker sister insisted I fill out. It was:

• Three pages long. 
• It took me less than ten minutes of reading it to realize that filling it out will not help me.
• A later reading of it, where I was much more thorough, took me about twenty to thirty minutes.  I still could not find anything that applied to me, an independent adult on the Autistic Spectrum.
• After I realized that this form did not apply to me, I told my mother.
• Of course, she argued with me on this, saying things like "It might help you get in here or here".
• All projects that only take in low income families or the homeless.

Since then, my mother has asked to see some original pieces that I've written. This has renewed my hurt feelings and anger about the whole thing. She CANNOT be bothered to read a stupid, three page form that she thought would help me, at least not past the heading, but she wants to read my short stories and essays. I don't think so. Especially since:

• when I first told my mother about what the support worker sister told me how I ruined her floors, she actually told me that I did not need to fill out any other forms to get on the housing waitlist,
• then the next day, there she is, with a copy of it;
• so despite the fact that my mother practically swore to me that there was "no conversation" between her and this sister about me and this form,
• there might have still been a text message from support worker sister to my mother about the silly form that I do not need to fill out.
• One text does not a conversation make.
• So my mother could have been telling the truth, but that does not mean there was not anyone scheming behind my back.

What I'm really angry about, is my mother and support worker sister insisting I fill out this stupid form, when they had not even bothered to read it themselves. The most they could have done, and still think that I should fill the thing out, was run their eyes over the words too quickly to comprehend them. That's not reading; I don't care how much they think it was.
I wish I could make my mother and sister realize that their good intentions are not that good, or even smart. Some of them are hurtful, and do much more harm than they realize. I have to deal with my mother wanting to read my pieces, but not wanting to bother to read a three page government form closely enough to see that me filling it out would not get me anything or anywhere.
Here's a useless "good intention" of my own. Someone needs to tell support worker sister that she will likely be divorced by New Years' 2025, so that she can start hiding money. It's possible that she has started already. Me telling her this might come in handy, since she and her husband, and their two children are about to move in to his parents' house. His parents will build another, smaller house on their property, and move into that. She and her family will take over the bigger house. But if the marriage turns bad, and they start to fight, I think it will be plain to his parents almost right away. They will not ask their only child, her husband, to leave. Of course, it will be her that gets kicked out. Only they will be nice about it. But firm.
The reasons I think they will get divorced:

• her husband goes through money as if it's water
• she is also a spender, getting mani/pedis and coffees out
•  but he's a super spender 
• who games, so gaming subscriptions
• and must have the good groceries
• and a nice truck

This type of behaviour tends to causes resentment, especially since this behaviour is mainly the reason why they're forced to sell their house. Maybe they've addressed it, but I doubt it. Of course, they'll work on their marriage for a while; but I doubt it can be saved. He has been given whatever he wanted all his life, or might as well have been. I don't think that type of thing can be undone.

Good intentions, or bullying?

How to keep good intentions from becoming toxic: just combine them with knowledge. Use your intelligence, and compare your assumptions with actual facts. By doing this, you are making sure that your assumptions are correct, and not time wasters. It does no one any good to run around, filling out forms, and making doctor's appointments, all for what you think will happen. Do this repeatedly, and the good intentions are not so good anymore. It's starting to feel like bullying.

There are a few people in my life who have good intentions, or at least what they think are good intentions, but have actually done more harm than good to me. More harm than just wasting my time. I feel like I can talk about it here, since no one really reads blogs anymore. This is essentially my journal, that can be accessed by strangers, only they don't. 

So, let's detail some of the "good intentions" that was actually felt more like bullying:

I move back from Edmonton, after having failed out of a program at a community college there, and couldn't find a job that would have allowed me to stay. I move in with my parents, I eventually go on income assistance. I pay a low rent to my parents for living with them, and look for work. I remember I had a paper route during that time. I think I had it for about a year. After being on income assistance for about one and a half to two years, I start getting calls to come into the government office more and more. This starts to get annoying, so I apply for a job at a call centre. Call centre job doesn't work out, so I apply for a job at a local bakery/cafe. That job does work out, for a few years. While all this is happening, what else is going on? While I am on assistance, working at the call centre, and at least the first year working at the local bakery, my mother tries to get me going back to her church. Once. A. Day. For. Three. Years. She would try to create "moments", where she would try to make me "feel the spirit" or trick me into saying I believed, or tell me that I was missed. And yes, this happened at least once a day, most days. Sometimes twice. The days where it did not happen, were the days that my father was able to herd her off, or she was away visiting family in Alberta, or she could actually see that I was angry that she felt she could do this, and would give me a break of a day or so from her "missionary moments". Basically, she would appear, right out of the woodwork, preach me a sermon. Next day, same thing. The day after that, same thing.  And the day after that, same thing. When this happened, I would act like it was some big punishment, which is exactly what it was.
My hell, after being forced to move back into my parents' house after moving back once it became clear that I couldn't find a job, and after I washed out of a program at a community college, was my mother repeatedly appearing out of the woodwork, and making it a "missionary moment". I tell my family about this? I got "She only has good intentions for you," basically every time I complained about this. Every angry outburst I had towards her was met with "How can you treat her like that?" by  at least one of my sisters. They didn't know that I never got a break from the missionary attempts or the "good intentions".
I wish my mother and my sisters who are the most determined to push the "good intentions" agenda would do a smidgen of research. I wish they would take autism classes, or at least look into their "good intentions" to see just how good they are.
What they can't see about that form, is that it might have ended up on someone's desk. That person whose desk it was might have called me, and asked me why I thought I needed to fill out this particular form. The only answer I would have been able to give this person is that my mother and one of my sisters thought it was a good idea, that they thought it wouldn't do any harm. That I don't have any control over my life, that I let it be controlled by two women who can't be bothered to read the forms that they make me fill out. That they both think they know what they are doing, but they really don't.

Troubles of the last posts

What a mess. But it's one that was made before I even made the post. I think I just pointed it out, and called attention to it.

Turns out not everyone thinks me pointing out that one of my sister who makes "knowledgable statements" without checking anything or even thinking them through, is appropriate. This sister has a champion, and it's one of my other sisters. She pointed out how mean I was, and she's right, but I wasn't nearly as mean as she (the statement-making sister) was when she told me that I ruined the floor in her precious basement suite, and that I caused the smell.

It's also a bit rich when she kept telling me to get over it, and I "needed to get over it on my own time". She will never, ever know what it's like to be told by this same sister that she had destroyed a part of her property, or had caused it to be significantly less comfortable than it should have been. She will never know what it is to walk a mile in my shoes. My shoes only fit me, and I'm the only one who can see the miles I have to walk. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I am the only one in my immediate family who will suffer ableism at the hands of this woman. If any of these unforeseen circumstances ever happen, she'll be the one at their door after the incident, whatever it was, with forms and "knowledge", telling them she can get them housekeeping services courtesy of the provincial government.

Good intentions + Ignorance = Toxicity

My family seems to think that their good intentions will be what saves me, and them. Bringing home forms that says on it, plainly, who the candidates are; I saw that I was not, and still am not one of the candidates, yet one of my sisters and my mother insisted that I was.

The fallout from this has been me feeling worthless. I do not have good self esteem to begin with, so this happening, almost right after one of my sisters thought it was a good idea to tell me two things:

1. That I trashed the floor in her basement suite while living in it, by never wiping out the windowsills. Yes, that's right. I somehow managed to ruin a corner of laminate flooring by a window, by not doing what my sister thinks is a necessary household chore. She didn't say anything about the wall though, so maybe the condensation that built up in the windowsills somehow skipped the walls?

2. That I "created" a smell by not cleaning up after the cat that belonged to one of my other sisters, and she was supposed to clean up after it, and never did. What happened with this, was that she moved out into another basement suite with a friend of hers. She couldn't take the cat, because the friend already had a cat, and both cats couldn't tolerate living with another cat. So the cat was left with me, but to ease the "I don't want your cat" feelings that I was experiencing, this sister said she would come by regularly and scoop out the litter box. This did not happen.

What caused this:

1. The same sister whose basement suite I was living in, and who said I ruined her floor, and made a bad smell, expresses her opinions as if they are facts. If and when they are proven to be baseless, they are suddenly opinions again, or "good intentions". This happens because she once had a $6,000 a month job, where she drove around to different group homes and made sure everything was running smoothly. She still leans on having had this position to sound smart. Besides telling me that I water damaged her basement suite floor, etc., the last time I heard her give an opinion as if it was fact, was once at another sisters' house. She was telling my mother what lawyers need to practice law in this province.

2. For some reason, most of my family seem to accept what she says as gospel truth, or as if it was nearly gospel truth. I think I am the only one who has challenged her BS opinions about how things work, but did not know enough about what she was talking about. The judgement skills of this woman usually suck balls, and yet they are accepted as fact.