Still having emotions and stuff about formerly posted stuff. But I have realized some things. I need to move out of my parents' condo. I think the only reason I moved in was because my parents and another, different sister said they were going to buy a condo together and rent it to me. That didn't happen. By the time I was finally told about it not happening, it not happening had become an afterthought. As if they hadn't realized that I was counting on living somewhere that wasn't with them. I actually did enjoy living alone, for the months that I did. It was actually fun, most of the time. No constant interruptions when I'm trying to study. No one wanting to play music or listen to a story when I want it quiet. No sudden noises. I want to live alone, not with my parents. That will mean getting a part-time job somewhere. I can't afford the rents around here with just what I get on Disability. There is also the added bonus of having a job makes me look better on a rental application.
I have also read a study that most people on the Autistic Spectrum think they are bad; as in, genuinely bad, and that's why some people close to us, not on the Spectrum, are so angry with us. It's why they feel like they have to control us. It's why they feel like we are their "duty" or their chore, or their burden. I often feel as if I am not human when interacting with my family. I literally feel as if I am burdening them just by existing. When my sister told me that I damaged her floor by not wiping out the windowsills, I believed it for exactly three minutes. In those three minutes, I wanted to die. I cringed at my stupidity, at my carelessness, at my neglect. I thought I was a bad person for not doing a household chore that I hadn't even known that people did. Well before the time I got home that day, I realized that the damage to the floor was actually due to two different things that had happened while I was living there, the emotions started then; but I didn't feel as if I could purge them. My youngest sister was getting married that summer, and I didn't want anything to happen that would cause enough drama that she would "uninvite" me.
I have also read a study that most people on the Autistic Spectrum think they are bad; as in, genuinely bad, and that's why some people close to us, not on the Spectrum, are so angry with us. It's why they feel like they have to control us. It's why they feel like we are their "duty" or their chore, or their burden. I often feel as if I am not human when interacting with my family. I literally feel as if I am burdening them just by existing. When my sister told me that I damaged her floor by not wiping out the windowsills, I believed it for exactly three minutes. In those three minutes, I wanted to die. I cringed at my stupidity, at my carelessness, at my neglect. I thought I was a bad person for not doing a household chore that I hadn't even known that people did. Well before the time I got home that day, I realized that the damage to the floor was actually due to two different things that had happened while I was living there, the emotions started then; but I didn't feel as if I could purge them. My youngest sister was getting married that summer, and I didn't want anything to happen that would cause enough drama that she would "uninvite" me.
No comments:
Post a Comment