Monday, August 22, 2016

Bullies and nonbullies

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Gas and Lighters

One thing about Autism and Asperger's Syndrome: it can take people who have it forever to express their feelings. For example, in my case, I actually have thought that I've forgiven people for things that they've done to me, and have told them so, but later on, I feel intense rage about whatever it was that was done to me. Some examples: Sometime after I moved in with my sister and her room mate, the room mate told me that she "was sick of cleaning up after me" after I got home from work one day. That morning, before I left for work at the job I had, I made myself some poached eggs on toast. Left my dishes in the sink, they were done by the time I got home. Room mate, in all of her "wisdom", thought that me leaving them in the sink was A Very Bad Thing. She was of the strong opinion that I should never, ever, ever leave dishes in the sink, because people who are "special needs" (her words) should never do that. Even though she and my sister did, a lot, there was a different set of rules for me. Because "special needs" people need different rules. After all, if they're allowed to leave dishes in the sink, they're liable to leave them until they're moldy and slimy.
Another one is when the three of us moved from the apartment that I moved into, where they already were living, into a townhouse a few blocks away. I had a few meltdowns, or more likely, one huge one. Because chaos. More to the point, moving house chaos. Once we were all moved in, she confronted me about giving her "attitude". Because people with "special needs" aren't supposed to have meltdowns and give their room mates "attitude". People who actually know anything about Asperger's might wonder what exactly Room mate thought Asperger's was, if she didn't know that many Aspies are likely to have meltdowns if there's too much going on around them and there's no where to go to rest, take a break, whatever.
Now, I wonder if what Room mate actually was doing was gaslighting me, whether she meant to or not.
What else can I call her looking over my shoulder whenever I did...well, anything, and me getting angry about it, and then she would talk about how I needed to go into a group home? Now, I wonder how she thought that could have been accomplished. We were living in Edmonton then, when Alberta's economy was better than good. It was excellent. Group homes were hard to get into then. Now that Alberta's economy is in the crapper, it's probably impossible.
None of this happened recently. It was actually over twelve years ago, probably closer to fourteen. Of course, there's other stuff too, some of it concerning Room mate. Some of it concerning two other people who were luck enough to live with me, and I with them. I'll call them Family member and Family member. But I'll save that for another post. Because blogging.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

It's been a while

For a while now, I've been thinking that I need to get back to blogging. So here I am, blogging.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Complicated compliments

When I was in my pre-teen to my early twenties, I would sometimes give compliments that were phrased weirdly and were taken as insults; and I had no idea how to explain myself out of the hole that I had somehow gotten myself in.  Sometimes all I would have to do was gush about how I loved the colour of something, and would say something like "I love scarlet," when the colour I was talking about was really cherry (or some other colour that was one or two shades lighter or darker than scarlet) and someone within earshot would light into me, telling me how stupid I was for thinking that colour was scarlet when it was really this other colour.....and this person would leave, thinking that I was an idiot for not knowing the difference between cherry and scarlet.
What I just described has never actually happened.  But there have been many times when things that I have said were taken, not just out of context, but to another planet.  Now, after getting myself into a few painful social situations that have left some scars, I did eventually learn how to Watch. My. Words.  This does mean that I don't give nearly as many compliments as I used to, and I definitely don't gush the way I used to, at least not as often.  And when I do give compliments, it's always "Nice dress/coat/tie/whatever."  Which is to the benefit of the person I'm complimenting.  And when I was a teenager, I gushed too much anyways.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Empathy and lies

I've been thinking a lot lately about the assumption that people on the autistic spectrum don't really have a sense of empathy.  It's a lie, or maybe a better word for it, is falsehood.  Whatever you call it, it's not true and this idea of how autistic people think probably won't die in my lifetime and that of lots of people younger than me.  What many non-autistic people see, (and if they don't they don't they need to take a closer look) is that many people on the spectrum, some children, some adults, have an undeveloped sense of empathy, which is different from not even having one.  I have a sense of empathy, although I do have to admit that it didn't develop at all until I was in my early teens.  But it only extended to our family pets, for a long time.  I didn't feel empathy ( which I'm pretty sure means being able to put myself in somebody else's shoes) for actual human beings until I was in my mid to late twenties.  So there you go.  Empathy actually does live on the spectrum....but you might have to be autistic to actually be able to see it.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Anxiety vs. Anger vs. Rage

I've been musing lately about the differences between anxiety, anger and rage.  To my way of thinking, it isn't much.  Anxiety is fear; anger, for many people, is the same as anxiety, but it has an edge; with rage it's the same, but an even bigger edge.  So anger is anxiety with a knife.  Rage is anxiety with an AK-47.