I still can't find forgiveness.

 I must be immature or something. I still can't forgive my family that tried to make decisions for me, no matter how sincere their "good intentions" were. Not only do I have people in my family that are unbelievably superficial, ignorant and reckless, they explain it all away as "good intentions" and "wanting the best for me".

There's my mother, the MLM dupe who is convinced that the only reason they never work is because she doesn't have the "right personality".

One of my sisters of which I speak, who hits the blunt regularly, and thinks she is wise.

The other of the two sisters, who is reactive, sometimes ridiculously so, and thinks that is the right way to be, because she still thinks I don't have the right to stand up for myself. 

No apologies, no reasons why I keep getting served subpar bullshit on a silver platter by people who say they love me....or I was, and am just expected to deal with it. I do not feel loved. I did not feel loved when my family was trying to make me fill out that ridiculous form that would only have ever gotten me a stern lecture from some homeless outreach worker. I felt controlled. I am still dealing with the emotional fallout from this. I think I always will be.

I can barely tolerate these people now. They drove me to be as angry as I am now. They are not willing to deal with the consequences, other than saying one of the two empty platitudes listed above, and here: "Good intentions", "We just want the best for you".

All three of these people seem to be under the silly notion that I can have a life without any problems. I swear they think that just because it sounds pretty to them. They tell themselves this, or they used to, to help themselves sleep at night. Never mind that I knew it wasn't true, and I found it demeaning. Yet. They. Kept. Pushing. It.

This is about more than just the silly form that wouldn't have gotten me anything. It's about others thinking they have the right to make decisions for me. Others thinking they get to bully me. Others being offended that I stand up for myself occasionally. Such bullshit.

Another decision that they keep trying to make: move me to a different province, because the disability stipend is higher there. It's actually the highest in the country. They take it for granted that I would be able to get on it, never mind that I keep hearing, and hearing, and hearing stories about people who have tried to get on it and can't. People who have made huge time investments in this and didn't get it. Plus, this stipend used to be indexed to the cost of living, which is why it is the highest in the country. The current premier of this province went and changed it. It is no longer indexed to the cost of living. However, this is another story that my mother and two out of six of my sisters tell themselves to feel good. They won't be stopping anytime soon.