I still can't find forgiveness.

 I must be immature or something. I still can't forgive my family that tried to make decisions for me, no matter how sincere their "good intentions" were. Not only do I have people in my family that are unbelievably superficial, ignorant and reckless, they explain it all away as "good intentions" and "wanting the best for me".

There's my mother, the MLM dupe who is convinced that the only reason they never work is because she doesn't have the "right personality".

One of my sisters of which I speak, who hits the blunt regularly, and thinks she is wise.

The other of the two sisters, who is reactive, sometimes ridiculously so, and thinks that is the right way to be, because she still thinks I don't have the right to stand up for myself. 

No apologies, no reasons why I keep getting served subpar bullshit on a silver platter by people who say they love me....or I was, and am just expected to deal with it. I do not feel loved. I did not feel loved when my family was trying to make me fill out that ridiculous form that would only have ever gotten me a stern lecture from some homeless outreach worker. I felt controlled. I am still dealing with the emotional fallout from this. I think I always will be.

I can barely tolerate these people now. They drove me to be as angry as I am now. They are not willing to deal with the consequences, other than saying one of the two empty platitudes listed above, and here: "Good intentions", "We just want the best for you".

All three of these people seem to be under the silly notion that I can have a life without any problems. I swear they think that just because it sounds pretty to them. They tell themselves this, or they used to, to help themselves sleep at night. Never mind that I knew it wasn't true, and I found it demeaning. Yet. They. Kept. Pushing. It.

This is about more than just the silly form that wouldn't have gotten me anything. It's about others thinking they have the right to make decisions for me. Others thinking they get to bully me. Others being offended that I stand up for myself occasionally. Such bullshit.

Another decision that they keep trying to make: move me to a different province, because the disability stipend is higher there. It's actually the highest in the country. They take it for granted that I would be able to get on it, never mind that I keep hearing, and hearing, and hearing stories about people who have tried to get on it and can't. People who have made huge time investments in this and didn't get it. Plus, this stipend used to be indexed to the cost of living, which is why it is the highest in the country. The current premier of this province went and changed it. It is no longer indexed to the cost of living. However, this is another story that my mother and two out of six of my sisters tell themselves to feel good. They won't be stopping anytime soon.

Being babied as an adult sucks,

 but actually hearing a relative reason it away by saying babying me is necessary because good intentions, good intentions, good intentions. There is little intelligence in these good intentions that come from these people, and even less critical thinking. I am starting to think that when these relatives do sh*t like this, it is not good intentions anymore; it is more of an aggressive neglect.

There is an upcoming wedding in my family. I have been uninvited to this event, because I have begun to insist on not being babied anymore. The bride was one of those who babied me. In fact, it is as if she is defending the right to baby me, to talk down to me, to belittle me. She will not be able to emotionally blackmail me with an invitation to her wedding.

When someone, the bride of the wedding I am no longer invited to, who used to be closer to me, tells me that my life is easy, when it actually isn't, what does that mean? I find it to be hurtful, ignorant and wrong to have someone else dictate to me what my life is like. As if they think they know what it would be like to be to live my life for me, and would be able to do it better than me. What they do not understand is that there are rules to being on Persons With Disability and Canada Pension Plan Disability:

1. I have to fill out a stub every month, to make sure I get the money for next month. When I first got on PWD, I did not have to do this. For the first six or seven months, I did not have to do this. Now, it's different. It has to be done by a certain date, usually around the ninth of the month. I usually fill it out and submit it online, instead of going into the provincial office to stick it in their box, because it is convenient to be able to get it done in the evening, or when it's rainy, or when I'm in my pyjamas. What is inconvenient about it is that I can't do it right away, on the same day when I get my PWD for the month. I actually have to wait for my CPP-D to come in, so I can say, on my stub, how much my CPP-D was for that month. And both payouts happen on different days. This is also known as "claiming funds", which I have to do, or I will be causing myself some problems. Lucky me.

2. Due to me being on two different types of funding, I have two different earning exemptions. If recipients of PWD having to fill out stubs so they can STAY on PWD isn't common knowledge, the $1000 earning exemption is. The CPP-D earning exemption is $483, and yes, I Googled it.

3. For as long as I am on disability benefits, I will be at the mercy of politicians and their agendas to get and stay in power. Whatever law or regulation they decide to put forward, pass and enforce, I will have to submit to it. Drug tests for everyone on Income Assistance and Persons With Disability? I would have to do it. Cut my pension in half, or take it away entirely, thus forcing me to get a job that I hate, so I can feed myself? I would have to do this. I can follow all the rules to stay on it, but if some twit politician, who has never experienced first world poverty, decides that anyone with a diagnosis that puts them anywhere on the high functioning end of the Autism Spectrum does not deserve to receive PWD, then that would force me into taking the first job I can get, no matter what it is, or whether I hate it or how much.

A rare comment

Edit: I noticed that it's difficult to tell my arguments from those of the commenter. So I decided to make mine a different colour.

Someone actually left a comment on one of my posts back in May. I was just going to leave it, but it kept bugging me. And the commenter didn't leave a name, so I can't respond to them privately. So here goes:

AnonymousMay 4, 2020 at 11:32 AM

I notice in your previous blogs, you really come down on your mother for helping you get on disability. The fact that you are now on disability, do you feel like you’re a little hard on your mother? 

She did help me get it, but she wasn't the only one. We actually needed to beg and plead for help from a social worker who went by the name Lee. He was incredibly in demand, and I was lucky to get his help. He knew a lot about Autism, and the things that come with it. Lee has written papers on Autism, and I believe they were published. 

I don't think I do come down hard on my mother for helping me get on disability. I come down hard on her for thinking it will be ridiculously easy. She is, if nothing else, a blind optimist most of the time; she is constantly wearing rose tinted glasses, and they tend to blur her perception of reality.

Do you just have a hard time being told no? 

I don't, actually. My mother does, though, when she's convinced she needs to mount some kind of "let's screw the government, they'll never know" type of mission. They know, they always do.

Would it have been better on yours and your mothers relationship if she just applied for the disability with out you knowing ? To avoid your backlash? I mean since you’re getting it now monthly, and no longer blog about that. Pardon my comparison with the “don’t bite the hand that feeds you” quote.

I'm not sure if that's possible; part of the process of applying is signing forms and other things.

Name change, and why do "good intentions" matter so much?

I think I have realized something in the past couple of months; when Support Worker sister offered to "help" me by telling me of the form that I did not need to fill out, and then writing on it that I needed maids/housekeepers/people telling me to do chores/to-do list-makers to come (something that I have learned does not actually exist, but plenty of people think that something like this should) she was high. High as in had smoked marijuana high. Who knows how much; she wasn't giggling, or eating, but rationality and intelligence was probably too much to ask for. She had made up a household chore, after all. So now, at least on this blog, her name is changed from Support Worker to Pot Princess.

I wonder if anyone knows that the part on that form they thought applied to me only did if I had already been in public housing already, and it was for some reason, not working out; and I would have gone to significant lengths to make it work out. And if actually reading the form was too much, one of them could have called the phone number on the first page. 

Calling that number would have been better than my mother's dismissal when I told her that nothing on that form actually said it was FOR me; it would have been better than the tug of war we had for weeks over this; it would have been better than me hearing her say that it wouldn't do any harm to fill out this ridiculous form, when it actually did; it would have been better than having Defender come out of nowhere, and "defend" Pot Princess as much as she did. As if I should accept the shoddy "good intentions" simply because they were offered to me.

Which brings me to my next topic: it seems like these same family members of mine think I should take it for granted that they always have "good intentions"; everything they do is or was based on "good intentions", no matter how ignorant, ridiculous or silly. It's as if they believe the "good intentions" they have for me are printed on their foreheads whenever they have one. Do I have to say that they aren't? That these silly and naive "good intentions" are childish and tacky? That their quality matches that of spray painted macaroni jewelry that were crafted at a camp somewhere?

My family will look different in 2025; it will not be because of newly arrived babies.

If my family gets to lead me down ridiculously long garden paths because of "good intentions", I get to say BS like the following:

In an earlier post, I predicted that one of my sisters, who works as a support worker, will have divorced by New Year's Day 2025, if not before that. I believe it will happen because my brother-in-law must have his expensive gadgets; no one can say no to him. He simply has to have them. It's the same thing with expensive groceries, alcohol and giving in to what their two children ask for; no is not a word that is said often in that household. She doesn't go without either; I'm pretty sure that she has regular nail and hair appointments. And she buys expensive clothes. Still, she isn't the spender that her husband is. And I think she is the one who can be persuaded to cut back on her expenses before the debt is too high; he won't until they have collectors calling. To add to that, I don't think they earn that much money, even though they both work. Part of my prediction is that they'll divorce over money and the spending of it.

The reason I think that they will separate and divorce, is that they have sold the house they were living in and are planning on, or they already have, moved into his parents' house. That means no more mortgage. If they have any fixed expenses at all, it will be utility bills and whatever they spend on renovations and yard maintenance. If they don't need to come up with a monthly mortgage payment, what will stop him from spending themselves into another hole? Which support worker sister will see that they're in before he does. Of course she will; she is slightly less oblivious than he is. Basically, what I'm saying is that they will, or he will, rack up the debt again; there's always more gadgets and tech to buy,  and most of it is expensive, especially if it's bought right when it comes out. They will divorce once it becomes clear that they're in a significant amount of debt again, and he turns to his family for a handout to pay the debt off with and doesn't get it. Or maybe it will be the fighting that couples who have high debts often do that does their marriage in...who knows.
And of course, if none of this happens, I will simply wave my hand and give good intentions as a reason I have predicted all this. The good intention being that we should all prepare ourselves for the upcoming divorce; assuming that brother-in-law's parents are both still alive when and if this happens, he will be fine, the two children will be fine. It's my sister who will be asked to leave.

Good intentions are not love

I am slowly coming to the realization that forgiveness for the pointless "good intentions" my sister and mother had for me, will not come. At least not while I am living with my parents; which puts me in a catch-22, because the rents in my city are high.
On a sort of related note, here is a spoken word poem I did for a class I'm just finishing up: https://viuvideos.viu.ca/media/Kaltura+Capture+recording+-+March+20th+2020%2C+1A57A20+pm/0_88ij8y1e
Don't watch it if you are proud of being an armchair expert, and would rather keep the illusion that good intentions are always needed and wanted.

There is no magic form. Persons With Disabilities is designed to keep those on it in poverty. There is no workaround.

On Wednesday night, I was part of a Q&A panel of writers who had their pieces published in the anthology Disabled Voices. I was asked to read, and later, to be part of the panel, because I have a poem published in this work. Someone asked if there are things that we wish other people did not do to us. My answer was that every once in a while, on social media and in real life, I run across some idiot who firmly believes that I, as someone on the Autistic Spectrum, will always need someone who is not on the Spectrum, to run my decisions by. I posted before, years ago, about a roommate I once had, that actually believed this. I have run into others, mostly on social media, who also believe this. Of course, every one of them was either trolling, or were, and perhaps still are, notorious for being arm chair experts; meaning, they might know about a lot of things that they have had no real experience with. They also tend not to have any formal education in their favourite subject area, yet they don't see any reason for that to stop them from "helping people". Support worker sister is an arm chair expert. My former roommate was definitely an arm chair expert. Facebook and Twitter are full of arm chair experts.
Keep in mind, I did not rant about everything I have written here. We were tight for time, and we had issues with the microphone. Plus, I was not the only one who had given a reading; two other writers who had been published in the anthology had also read their pieces, and were part of the panel as well. I had to share the microphone, and the time allotted, with them. It did go well. I brought up support worker sister and my mom trying to make me fill out the form that would have led to nothing, in the past year, as the last part of an answer to a question. More specifically, the question I wrote about above. The editor, who had emceed earlier, and was guiding the dialogue we were having, added that there is no magic form; Persons With Disabilities is designed to keep those on it in poverty; and there is no workaround.
I wish that people knew this. I wish that people would remember this.
There is no magic form.
Persons With Disabilities is designed to keep those on it in poverty.
There is no workaround.
Only arm chair experts think that they can work the work the process somehow, and shake more money out of the tree.

False promises

I hate them. I loathe them, in fact. I realized how much when I went with my mother on Saturday to visit a great-aunt of mine. On the way back, we stopped somewhere for supper. She then proceeds to tell me that she thinks she and my dad will have their debts paid down, have some money saved up, and be able to put a downpayment on a one bedroom condo somewhere.
I have a problem processing this, mostly because this promise has been made before. The only difference was the building the condo was in hadn't even been built(it's still not done), and buying it was going to be a joint effort between a sister and my parents. It was also going to be a "micro-suite" that I would have been renting. That fell through, mainly because my parents didn't realize how broke they were. I am not angry that the condo wasn't bought. I am angry that the promise of a condo for me to live in and rent was made in the first place.

Still drowning, still angry, still tolerating

I still can't get past how unhappy I am, living with my parents. I need and want to move out, yet the rents in my city are ridiculous. My mother literally feels entitled to interrupt me whenever she feels like it. I withdrew from her because of the silly form that she wanted me to fill out, on the one worded "not a conversation" recommendation of my support worker sister, and my mother's half-assed reading, but not comprehending, it.
I will be forty at the end of April. Things have been by some family members that they want this birthday to be an "event". And yet, right now I can't process the idea or the image of celebrating my birthday, a day that's SUPPOSED to be for me, with people that I can only tolerate right now. There are four members of my family, three of my sisters, who I can't do more than tolerate right now:

• There is the Promise Maker sister. I call her that because she and her husband love making promises, and have overpromised themselves before. It was her who said she would buy a new build condo and rent it to me for a price I could pay. So she promises and promises and promises, because she finds it fun or something, but keeping them is a different thing entirely. A part of adulting is learning how to keep promises, or don't make them if you're not sure you can keep them. My problem isn't with her not buying the condo, it is with her telling me that she would, with the help of my parents, then it didn't happen, because condos are expensive now. So they must have thought condos are the same price as nice posterboard from a craft store.
• The Defender sister. This is the one who came out of the woodwork, defending Support Worker sister and my mother, and their Good Intentions, as if they needed it. I ask for them to not push them on me again, and she literally said, "Okay, we won't help you anymore," as if good intentions that lead nowhere is actual help. This sister apparently has no idea what the road to hell is paved with.
• Of course, Support Worker sister. Who used to, at least until she told me that I ruined her floor by not wiping out the windowsills, would act like she knew everything that was disability benefit and income assistance related, because of a job she once had. Yet, all the jobs she has held since she quit her group tenancy, or whatever it was called, pay her much less. I doubt she's even making a third of what she used to make when she had this high paying job that led her to think she KNEW things. The reason she gave us for leaving that job was she that it was too hard on her mentally, or something along those lines. Now, she and her husband have so much debt they are being forced into selling their house and moving in with his parents. Seriously, if she had held such an important position, and she was able to gather all this knowledge, she could get herself a better paying job by using some of the valuable connections she must have made while working her group tenancy, right? Even if the funding for her position stopped, she may still have some leeway to get a better paying position. Unless she left under a cloud. Of course, I have no way of knowing, except for what she tells me. And I don't know how to find out.
• My mother, who thinks it's okay to endlessly interrupt me. She once disturbed me to tell me that she was switching laundry detergents, then when she saw me again, proceeds to tell me exactly the same thing. Another time, she basically barged into my room twice in the space of twenty minutes to remind me what I was giving up by not pursuing eligibility for a local agency. I stopped because she insisted on putting her fingerprints all over the entire process, and I couldn't take it anymore. But then, this is the same woman who, when she and my father were in the routine of going out to the movies on Tuesdays with my aunt and uncle when they were staying in town for a few months, couldn't be bothered to close a sliding glass door upon leaving to see her precious movie with her sister. She would slam the thing, it would bounce open just wide enough to let in cold air and whatever bugs that our winters hadn't killed yet, and I would get up to close it. I asked her once to make sure it was closed when they left. She responds with she was in a hurry, she has to go, blah, blah, blah. I also asked her to find a course she could take on autism and Asperger's syndrome. She decides to buy books and join a Facebook group instead. I don't know why she couldn't do what I asked her to. I do know I asked her to do it because I desperately want and need her to see how much she hurts me when she acts or speaks without thinking. All three of my sisters need to take a course too. I wish they could see just how pointless that silly little form was, and that good intentions, even if they are, in fact, golden ones, won't get me anywhere if there's no research or actual knowledge behind them.

So anyways, I probably could celebrate my birthday with all my sisters and my mother if they can get over me only being able to tolerate them. If none of them have some useless good intention that goes absolutely nowhere. If they don't produce forms out of the woodwork, saying that it will help me get a thing. Basically, I want them to behave themselves.

A few things

Still having emotions and stuff about formerly posted stuff. But I have realized some things. I need to move out of my parents' condo. I think the only reason I moved in was because my parents and another, different sister said they were going to buy a condo together and rent it to me. That didn't happen. By the time I was finally told about it not happening, it not happening had become an afterthought. As if they hadn't realized that I was counting on living somewhere that wasn't with them. I actually did enjoy living alone, for the months that I did. It was actually fun, most of the time. No constant interruptions when I'm trying to study. No one wanting to play music or listen to a story when I want it quiet. No sudden noises. I want to live alone, not with my parents. That will mean getting a part-time job somewhere. I can't afford the rents around here with just what I get on Disability. There is also the added bonus of having a job makes me look better on a rental application.
I have also read a study that most people on the Autistic Spectrum think they are bad; as in, genuinely bad, and that's why some people close to us, not on the Spectrum, are so angry with us. It's why they feel like they have to control us. It's why they feel like we are their "duty" or their chore, or their burden. I often feel as if I am not human when interacting with my family. I literally feel as if I am burdening them just by existing. When my sister told me that I damaged her floor by not wiping out the windowsills, I believed it for exactly three minutes. In those three minutes, I wanted to die. I cringed at my stupidity, at my carelessness, at my neglect. I thought I was a bad person for not doing a household chore that I hadn't even known that people did. Well before the time I got home that day, I realized that the damage to the floor was actually due to two different things that had happened while I was living there, the emotions started then; but I didn't feel as if I could purge them. My youngest sister was getting married that summer, and I didn't want anything to happen that would cause enough drama that she would "uninvite" me.

Having good intentions does not always mean love

Still angry about the ridiculous form that my mother and my sister tried to get me to fill out. Still angry about the floor that I apparently "destroyed". Now, my mother is trying to get me to forgive her and the sister. In other words, she's trying to bully me, or at least it feels like it. She bullies the way her father did. It's not just that my sister thought that I should fill out this form, told me that I damaged the floor in the basement suite, and made a funky cat smell. It's also that she said this:
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I tried to respond, she interrupted me:
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I tried again to respond, but couldn't, because she interrupts me again.
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I can't remember if I have told anyone that she said that, to me, while trying to fulfill the "good intention" she was having that day; maybe it's anywhere from difficult to impossible to understand just how horrible it was for me. In that moment, I really did think that she thought I was one of the people she looked after at her work; mostly people with Down's Syndrome or low functioning Autism, not Asperger's, or high functioning Autism. She was saying that I was someone that I wasn't, based on something she thought I had done; but I hadn't done it. The damage was due to two different things: the water main breaking, and the washing machine leaking. Both things that her husband had a lot to do with. He was the one out in the bobcat, levelling the yard for some reason; he had started a load of laundry in a machine that he didn't realize was broken, and leaked everywhere. A good ten to fifteen minutes of actual thinking would have caused her to doubt her theory, maybe enough to not even mention it. Instead, she goes on about what an expert she is, and how much she knows about what I can get. Which of course, shows just the opposite; so many people who are experts on anything need to be prodded into talking about the subject they're experts on, and will usually only say a few words on it; but people who are only "experts" will talk at length at the barest hint of it.
When my mother brought the form home, she didn't just tell me to fill it out, again and again. And try to convince me that it might get me into a housing development that only takes homeless people. Or another development that's only for indigenous families. She also didn't believe me when I told her that filling out this form would basically lead to nothing, after I had read it for myself. I also went to the trouble to email a local housing society, asking them if I should fill it out. The response I got back was a bit snappish and snarky, but also clear. It plainly said that I should not fill it out, and that nothing would make me get into housing faster. Not even a sister and a mother willing to bully me into filling out useless forms, and gaslight and bully me into doing so. They can't bully the process either, no matter how hard they try.
Anyways, good intentions doesn't always mean love. Sometimes it just means control or meddling.