False promises

I hate them. I loathe them, in fact. I realized how much when I went with my mother on Saturday to visit a great-aunt of mine. On the way back, we stopped somewhere for supper. She then proceeds to tell me that she thinks she and my dad will have their debts paid down, have some money saved up, and be able to put a downpayment on a one bedroom condo somewhere.
I have a problem processing this, mostly because this promise has been made before. The only difference was the building the condo was in hadn't even been built(it's still not done), and buying it was going to be a joint effort between a sister and my parents. It was also going to be a "micro-suite" that I would have been renting. That fell through, mainly because my parents didn't realize how broke they were. I am not angry that the condo wasn't bought. I am angry that the promise of a condo for me to live in and rent was made in the first place.

Still drowning, still angry, still tolerating

I still can't get past how unhappy I am, living with my parents. I need and want to move out, yet the rents in my city are ridiculous. My mother literally feels entitled to interrupt me whenever she feels like it. I withdrew from her because of the silly form that she wanted me to fill out, on the one worded "not a conversation" recommendation of my support worker sister, and my mother's half-assed reading, but not comprehending, it.
I will be forty at the end of April. Things have been by some family members that they want this birthday to be an "event". And yet, right now I can't process the idea or the image of celebrating my birthday, a day that's SUPPOSED to be for me, with people that I can only tolerate right now. There are four members of my family, three of my sisters, who I can't do more than tolerate right now:

• There is the Promise Maker sister. I call her that because she and her husband love making promises, and have overpromised themselves before. It was her who said she would buy a new build condo and rent it to me for a price I could pay. So she promises and promises and promises, because she finds it fun or something, but keeping them is a different thing entirely. A part of adulting is learning how to keep promises, or don't make them if you're not sure you can keep them. My problem isn't with her not buying the condo, it is with her telling me that she would, with the help of my parents, then it didn't happen, because condos are expensive now. So they must have thought condos are the same price as nice posterboard from a craft store.
• The Defender sister. This is the one who came out of the woodwork, defending Support Worker sister and my mother, and their Good Intentions, as if they needed it. I ask for them to not push them on me again, and she literally said, "Okay, we won't help you anymore," as if good intentions that lead nowhere is actual help. This sister apparently has no idea what the road to hell is paved with.
• Of course, Support Worker sister. Who used to, at least until she told me that I ruined her floor by not wiping out the windowsills, would act like she knew everything that was disability benefit and income assistance related, because of a job she once had. Yet, all the jobs she has held since she quit her group tenancy, or whatever it was called, pay her much less. I doubt she's even making a third of what she used to make when she had this high paying job that led her to think she KNEW things. The reason she gave us for leaving that job was she that it was too hard on her mentally, or something along those lines. Now, she and her husband have so much debt they are being forced into selling their house and moving in with his parents. Seriously, if she had held such an important position, and she was able to gather all this knowledge, she could get herself a better paying job by using some of the valuable connections she must have made while working her group tenancy, right? Even if the funding for her position stopped, she may still have some leeway to get a better paying position. Unless she left under a cloud. Of course, I have no way of knowing, except for what she tells me. And I don't know how to find out.
• My mother, who thinks it's okay to endlessly interrupt me. She once disturbed me to tell me that she was switching laundry detergents, then when she saw me again, proceeds to tell me exactly the same thing. Another time, she basically barged into my room twice in the space of twenty minutes to remind me what I was giving up by not pursuing eligibility for a local agency. I stopped because she insisted on putting her fingerprints all over the entire process, and I couldn't take it anymore. But then, this is the same woman who, when she and my father were in the routine of going out to the movies on Tuesdays with my aunt and uncle when they were staying in town for a few months, couldn't be bothered to close a sliding glass door upon leaving to see her precious movie with her sister. She would slam the thing, it would bounce open just wide enough to let in cold air and whatever bugs that our winters hadn't killed yet, and I would get up to close it. I asked her once to make sure it was closed when they left. She responds with she was in a hurry, she has to go, blah, blah, blah. I also asked her to find a course she could take on autism and Asperger's syndrome. She decides to buy books and join a Facebook group instead. I don't know why she couldn't do what I asked her to. I do know I asked her to do it because I desperately want and need her to see how much she hurts me when she acts or speaks without thinking. All three of my sisters need to take a course too. I wish they could see just how pointless that silly little form was, and that good intentions, even if they are, in fact, golden ones, won't get me anywhere if there's no research or actual knowledge behind them.

So anyways, I probably could celebrate my birthday with all my sisters and my mother if they can get over me only being able to tolerate them. If none of them have some useless good intention that goes absolutely nowhere. If they don't produce forms out of the woodwork, saying that it will help me get a thing. Basically, I want them to behave themselves.

A few things

Still having emotions and stuff about formerly posted stuff. But I have realized some things. I need to move out of my parents' condo. I think the only reason I moved in was because my parents and another, different sister said they were going to buy a condo together and rent it to me. That didn't happen. By the time I was finally told about it not happening, it not happening had become an afterthought. As if they hadn't realized that I was counting on living somewhere that wasn't with them. I actually did enjoy living alone, for the months that I did. It was actually fun, most of the time. No constant interruptions when I'm trying to study. No one wanting to play music or listen to a story when I want it quiet. No sudden noises. I want to live alone, not with my parents. That will mean getting a part-time job somewhere. I can't afford the rents around here with just what I get on Disability. There is also the added bonus of having a job makes me look better on a rental application.
I have also read a study that most people on the Autistic Spectrum think they are bad; as in, genuinely bad, and that's why some people close to us, not on the Spectrum, are so angry with us. It's why they feel like they have to control us. It's why they feel like we are their "duty" or their chore, or their burden. I often feel as if I am not human when interacting with my family. I literally feel as if I am burdening them just by existing. When my sister told me that I damaged her floor by not wiping out the windowsills, I believed it for exactly three minutes. In those three minutes, I wanted to die. I cringed at my stupidity, at my carelessness, at my neglect. I thought I was a bad person for not doing a household chore that I hadn't even known that people did. Well before the time I got home that day, I realized that the damage to the floor was actually due to two different things that had happened while I was living there, the emotions started then; but I didn't feel as if I could purge them. My youngest sister was getting married that summer, and I didn't want anything to happen that would cause enough drama that she would "uninvite" me.

Having good intentions does not always mean love

Still angry about the ridiculous form that my mother and my sister tried to get me to fill out. Still angry about the floor that I apparently "destroyed". Now, my mother is trying to get me to forgive her and the sister. In other words, she's trying to bully me, or at least it feels like it. She bullies the way her father did. It's not just that my sister thought that I should fill out this form, told me that I damaged the floor in the basement suite, and made a funky cat smell. It's also that she said this:
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I tried to respond, she interrupted me:
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I tried again to respond, but couldn't, because she interrupts me again.
"But Kim, you just don't seem to notice some things."
I can't remember if I have told anyone that she said that, to me, while trying to fulfill the "good intention" she was having that day; maybe it's anywhere from difficult to impossible to understand just how horrible it was for me. In that moment, I really did think that she thought I was one of the people she looked after at her work; mostly people with Down's Syndrome or low functioning Autism, not Asperger's, or high functioning Autism. She was saying that I was someone that I wasn't, based on something she thought I had done; but I hadn't done it. The damage was due to two different things: the water main breaking, and the washing machine leaking. Both things that her husband had a lot to do with. He was the one out in the bobcat, levelling the yard for some reason; he had started a load of laundry in a machine that he didn't realize was broken, and leaked everywhere. A good ten to fifteen minutes of actual thinking would have caused her to doubt her theory, maybe enough to not even mention it. Instead, she goes on about what an expert she is, and how much she knows about what I can get. Which of course, shows just the opposite; so many people who are experts on anything need to be prodded into talking about the subject they're experts on, and will usually only say a few words on it; but people who are only "experts" will talk at length at the barest hint of it.
When my mother brought the form home, she didn't just tell me to fill it out, again and again. And try to convince me that it might get me into a housing development that only takes homeless people. Or another development that's only for indigenous families. She also didn't believe me when I told her that filling out this form would basically lead to nothing, after I had read it for myself. I also went to the trouble to email a local housing society, asking them if I should fill it out. The response I got back was a bit snappish and snarky, but also clear. It plainly said that I should not fill it out, and that nothing would make me get into housing faster. Not even a sister and a mother willing to bully me into filling out useless forms, and gaslight and bully me into doing so. They can't bully the process either, no matter how hard they try.
Anyways, good intentions doesn't always mean love. Sometimes it just means control or meddling.

A "summing up" post

Just in case no one wants to read the post I wrote before this one, I decided to sum things up. My mom and one of my sisters, who works as a support worker at various places, tried to get me to fill out a form that does not apply to me in anyway whatsoever, just because the sister, who does not have a degree, or a certificate or any kind of formal post-secondary education, and can't be bothered to get one, because going to school is hard for her; she also works exclusively at jobs that don't pay her enough, probably because she doesn't have any formal post-secondary education. Yet, most of my family seems to buy into the theories she puts forward as gospel truth.
As poorly researched as this was, it will always be defended by most of the members of my immediate family as a "good intention". Bringing home a nine page form (I was wrong about the length of the thing, but still, my mom and sister should have bothered to read it past the heading), badgering me to fill the silly thing out, and arguing with me when I pointed out to them that the language on the thing didn't even SUGGEST that it was something a woman pushing forty and with a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome should be filling out. But they had a "good intention", and no one should derail these two from performing them. Not even reality.
Here is a link to the form that they wanted me to fill out. Remember, it's nine pages long, so read it before you tell me that I should fill it out. Or that filling it out "won't/can't do me any harm, dear." Having it pushed on me in the first place by people who couldn't be bothered to even read it thoroughly, has done me plenty. Not to mention that support worker sister actually thought she could be my "third party verifier" that this form requires, yet with her being a support care worker, AKA a shelter or outreach worker, of a sort, she could only have been my third party verifier if I were homeless, going by what the form states.

"Good intentions" are not researched at all, and are often half-assed, half thought out projects...

or at least they are in my family. I'm still angry about the form that my mother and support worker sister insisted I fill out. It was:

• Three pages long. 
• It took me less than ten minutes of reading it to realize that filling it out will not help me.
• A later reading of it, where I was much more thorough, took me about twenty to thirty minutes.  I still could not find anything that applied to me, an independent adult on the Autistic Spectrum.
• After I realized that this form did not apply to me, I told my mother.
• Of course, she argued with me on this, saying things like "It might help you get in here or here".
• All projects that only take in low income families or the homeless.

Since then, my mother has asked to see some original pieces that I've written. This has renewed my hurt feelings and anger about the whole thing. She CANNOT be bothered to read a stupid, three page form that she thought would help me, at least not past the heading, but she wants to read my short stories and essays. I don't think so. Especially since:

• when I first told my mother about what the support worker sister told me how I ruined her floors, she actually told me that I did not need to fill out any other forms to get on the housing waitlist,
• then the next day, there she is, with a copy of it;
• so despite the fact that my mother practically swore to me that there was "no conversation" between her and this sister about me and this form,
• there might have still been a text message from support worker sister to my mother about the silly form that I do not need to fill out.
• One text does not a conversation make.
• So my mother could have been telling the truth, but that does not mean there was not anyone scheming behind my back.

What I'm really angry about, is my mother and support worker sister insisting I fill out this stupid form, when they had not even bothered to read it themselves. The most they could have done, and still think that I should fill the thing out, was run their eyes over the words too quickly to comprehend them. That's not reading; I don't care how much they think it was.
I wish I could make my mother and sister realize that their good intentions are not that good, or even smart. Some of them are hurtful, and do much more harm than they realize. I have to deal with my mother wanting to read my pieces, but not wanting to bother to read a three page government form closely enough to see that me filling it out would not get me anything or anywhere.
Here's a useless "good intention" of my own. Someone needs to tell support worker sister that she will likely be divorced by New Years' 2025, so that she can start hiding money. It's possible that she has started already. Me telling her this might come in handy, since she and her husband, and their two children are about to move in to his parents' house. His parents will build another, smaller house on their property, and move into that. She and her family will take over the bigger house. But if the marriage turns bad, and they start to fight, I think it will be plain to his parents almost right away. They will not ask their only child, her husband, to leave. Of course, it will be her that gets kicked out. Only they will be nice about it. But firm.
The reasons I think they will get divorced:

• her husband goes through money as if it's water
• she is also a spender, getting mani/pedis and coffees out
•  but he's a super spender 
• who games, so gaming subscriptions
• and must have the good groceries
• and a nice truck

This type of behaviour tends to causes resentment, especially since this behaviour is mainly the reason why they're forced to sell their house. Maybe they've addressed it, but I doubt it. Of course, they'll work on their marriage for a while; but I doubt it can be saved. He has been given whatever he wanted all his life, or might as well have been. I don't think that type of thing can be undone.

Good intentions, or bullying?

How to keep good intentions from becoming toxic: just combine them with knowledge. Use your intelligence, and compare your assumptions with actual facts. By doing this, you are making sure that your assumptions are correct, and not time wasters. It does no one any good to run around, filling out forms, and making doctor's appointments, all for what you think will happen. Do this repeatedly, and the good intentions are not so good anymore. It's starting to feel like bullying.

There are a few people in my life who have good intentions, or at least what they think are good intentions, but have actually done more harm than good to me. More harm than just wasting my time. I feel like I can talk about it here, since no one really reads blogs anymore. This is essentially my journal, that can be accessed by strangers, only they don't. 

So, let's detail some of the "good intentions" that was actually felt more like bullying:

I move back from Edmonton, after having failed out of a program at a community college there, and couldn't find a job that would have allowed me to stay. I move in with my parents, I eventually go on income assistance. I pay a low rent to my parents for living with them, and look for work. I remember I had a paper route during that time. I think I had it for about a year. After being on income assistance for about one and a half to two years, I start getting calls to come into the government office more and more. This starts to get annoying, so I apply for a job at a call centre. Call centre job doesn't work out, so I apply for a job at a local bakery/cafe. That job does work out, for a few years. While all this is happening, what else is going on? While I am on assistance, working at the call centre, and at least the first year working at the local bakery, my mother tries to get me going back to her church. Once. A. Day. For. Three. Years. She would try to create "moments", where she would try to make me "feel the spirit" or trick me into saying I believed, or tell me that I was missed. And yes, this happened at least once a day, most days. Sometimes twice. The days where it did not happen, were the days that my father was able to herd her off, or she was away visiting family in Alberta, or she could actually see that I was angry that she felt she could do this, and would give me a break of a day or so from her "missionary moments". Basically, she would appear, right out of the woodwork, preach me a sermon. Next day, same thing. The day after that, same thing.  And the day after that, same thing. When this happened, I would act like it was some big punishment, which is exactly what it was.
My hell, after being forced to move back into my parents' house after moving back once it became clear that I couldn't find a job, and after I washed out of a program at a community college, was my mother repeatedly appearing out of the woodwork, and making it a "missionary moment". I tell my family about this? I got "She only has good intentions for you," basically every time I complained about this. Every angry outburst I had towards her was met with "How can you treat her like that?" by  at least one of my sisters. They didn't know that I never got a break from the missionary attempts or the "good intentions".
I wish my mother and my sisters who are the most determined to push the "good intentions" agenda would do a smidgen of research. I wish they would take autism classes, or at least look into their "good intentions" to see just how good they are.
What they can't see about that form, is that it might have ended up on someone's desk. That person whose desk it was might have called me, and asked me why I thought I needed to fill out this particular form. The only answer I would have been able to give this person is that my mother and one of my sisters thought it was a good idea, that they thought it wouldn't do any harm. That I don't have any control over my life, that I let it be controlled by two women who can't be bothered to read the forms that they make me fill out. That they both think they know what they are doing, but they really don't.